my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He passed out mid-signature
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
