he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
