i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
