Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
