So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
