he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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