she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
