I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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