well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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