On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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