i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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