I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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