I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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