i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
