If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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