Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
