but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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