Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
