I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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