You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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