Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
