if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
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