Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
