My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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