Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
