it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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