I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
