I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
