The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
