I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
