She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
