you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
