birth control should be required to get into college
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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