I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
