I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize