Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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