yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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