She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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