I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
