Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
