College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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