how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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