That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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