its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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