....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
