u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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