I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
