just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
