no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
