dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
