i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize