went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
