just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize