Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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