Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
