i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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